Why 1998 Should Have Gotten You Laid

One of my literary idols is a man named Chuck Klosterman. I've been reading his stuff for over a year, and I've found it to be so easy to read and so easy to relate to his personal narratives, that it almost makes me feel guilty. His specialty is pop culture, which is, I suppose, why I tend to feel guilty, er, shallow, about enjoying some of his stuff. There is a decent Q&A about him here: http://www.mediabistro.com/articles/cache/a752.asp

He used to have a monthly column in SPIN magazine, and it was really the only reason I subscribed to the rag.

Klosterman's column this month focuses on a particular issue of SPIN that was published in the year 1998. He ‘spins’ a narrative, as he is known to do, about how during the year in question, he feels as though music didn't exist. That is, GOOD music didn't exist. He goes on to mention Marilyn Manson, who, in 1998, was at the top of his/their game, with “Mechanical Animals” and its' mega-single, ‘The Dope Show’. This was looked on as sexy by some at the time. I doubt that perspective would be entertained today. But you never know.

Anyway, as is my custom, I read the aforementioned article whilst taking part deux of my bi-daily bowel movements. Generally I take great joy in relating to, connecting with, and generally celebrating Klostermans witty insights. However, the particular year in question got me to thinking.

1998 was absolutely interesting. It wasn’t a pretty year - that much is for sure. The Spice Girls were busy demolishing any semblance of feminism in the western world at the time and the Backstreet Boys were helping make a serious comeback for limp-dick boy band tunes that were expressly tailored to acquire baby-sitting money. Also, nu-metal bands like Limp Bizkit were making a serious blitzkrieg for hard-cock boy bands that played a bit louder.

And it all seemed like a joke.

I remember seeing the Spice Girls on the cover of Rolling Stone and thinking, “Jesus, this joke has gone far ENOUGH!” I was twenty years old. Naiveté is tolerable at that age, yes?

But the joke had no audience. There was no one laughing. While Spice Girl fans were living in their Spice World and Backstreet Boys fans were soaking up the glory of theBackstreets (whatever that was), the rest of us were waiting for the punch line that never arrived.

…which brings me back to Marilyn Manson. MM was making a divergent turn in 19998; from serial, dirty pseudo-satanic shock rocker to serial, slightly cleaner, Bowie-esque, pseudo-Satanic shock rocker. The difference being, as far as I can tell, was that MM was sporting a not-so-subtle package in his newly androgynous body sock. This seems so counterintuitive to what was happening in the culture at the time. Anyhow, this all comes back to my inner monologue whilst reading my somewhat favorite author, Mr. Chuck Klosterman.

1998 was an awesome year, but not overtly. Of course it would be hard to feel completely assured about a year that came AFTER 1997's “OK Computer” - obviously. But personally (and isn’t that how it usually is? Sure, 1990 SUCKED, but that was the year I discovered the Minutemen!) I discovered music in 1998 that was so incredibly heavy, so different and new that I still listen with astonishment, dread and awe to this day.

Case in point… Sure I was enamored with the last proper album (and accompanying tour) of A Tribe Called Quest's “The Love Movement”, and there was 16 Horsepowers’ “Low Estate” bringing home the creepy bluegrass/deliverance vibe. There was also a strange band called 50 Tons of Black Terror with their “Demeter” that reminded me to fuck all and let the booze take over.

Don’t get me wrong! There was a LOT of pedestrian music going on as well. Tori Amos shat out “From the Choirgirl Hotel” like it was written in her sleep. The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion released “Acme,” and all the critics creamed their jeans, even though the record itself was starkly populated with serious rock n roll. Girls Against Boys put forth their one and only major label release, entitled, apropos for the times, “Freak*On*ica”.

But none of that mattered, even though all those records now reside, permanently, on my hard drive.

I’ll tell you what mattered.

Jawbox released their final release/retrospective/live document “My Scrapbook of Fatal Accidents”, which included, thankfully, their cover of the Buzzcocks “Airwaves Dream”. The ever-idiosyncratic Soul Coughing released their swan song, “El Oso”, which remains some of the best white boy funk that ever was recorded. And the extremely underrated group Far released their “Water & Solutions”, which ended up being way, way, way ahead of their time; and to this day it makes their influenced brethren such as The Used, Fall Out Boy, and who knows who else, look completely transparent and one-dimensional.

That isn’t enough? Why is it I have to be the one to remind you that 1998 was the year that Jarvis Cocker released Pulp's “This is Hardcore”?? Or that 1998 was the 12 month span that gave us the avant pop that became the soundtrack for all of your future breakups... none other than Mercury Rev's “Deserters Songs”.

Okay, I get it: you’ve never heard of this shit!!

But as I assure you that “Deserter's Songs” is both haunting and intimate and FUCKING BRILLIANT, I will concede that it has absolutely nothing on the one record that was released during this year that my hero Klosterman decided to blank out on. In the year 1998 C.E., the best sex album ever was released.

And, no, that album is not something predictable like D’Angelo, or even something less predictable yet still delicious such as the Afghan Whigs “1965”. Oh no! And if you have never heard this album, you must, by any means necessary, you must, I say you MUST go buy this album, take it to your nearest lover and perform perfunctory sexual advances to its' serenation immediately!!!!

1998 was the year that an album entitled “Mezzanine” was released by a group calling themselves Massive Attack. Massive Attack are the godfathers of trip-hop, and of course influenced those other secondary, yet quite worthy groups such as Portishead, Mono and Sia.

But I’m telling you, “Mezzanine” is reason enough to reject Mr. Klosterman's assertion that 1998 is a forgettable year for music; even if it is for such a shallow motive as getting laid. Trust me, if it comes down to the Spice Girls versus Massive Attack, “Mezzanine” is getting laid tonight.